I couldn't sleep tonight so I thought I would come to the computer to try to put some of my thoughts and emotions down on "paper."
Wow. Life is just so absolutely unbelieveable sometimes.
How does life change so quickly?....all in an instant I feel like I am watching as someone else's life if being played out in front of my very eyes. When I think back to where we were as a family just a year and a half ago, I wonder....how did we get to this point? Why must the man that I love and the family that surrounds him have to suffer in such a way? Why must Brad face his own mortality at such a young age? For a man who has such a passion for life...why must he face so many physical trials? Brad gives me courage, he gives me a friendship like no one else, he gives me joy, he makes me laugh (all the time), he is SO passionate about SO many things, he is an amazing listener, he gives me encouragement....we have such an amazing relationship together...why must we face such a difficult journey?
Up until today I felt like I had a reasonable grasp on where we were headed and now things look so very uncertain.
We went in to see our MD Anderson oncologist (Dr. Benjamin) yesterday afternoon. I felt confident prior to going in, that at least we knew what we were up against. The road looked difficult, but at least we were prepared to hear the plan. I even told Bryan, just moments before going in to see the doctor, that I wasn't even feeling anxious at that point....I felt like Brad & I had reached a place of peace about the chemo and the treatment plan that we were facing.
And then the ground was yanked out from beneath us and we have been spiraling through our emotions ever since.
The doctor told us that Brad's cancer was not de-differentiated but instead true chondrosarcoma now present in numerous spots on his lungs. That "rare cancer" that "rarely matastasizes", went from his leg, to his lungs and is "uncharacteristicly" spreading more quickly than previously documented in other cases. He told us the original chemo treatment plan that we would have taken (if the cancer were de-differentiated) has no effect on the true chondrosarcoma. He continued in saying that Brad's cancer has no known successful treatment at this time. He gave us little "from a medical standpoint" to hope for, but said that there was a new experimental chemo treatment that Brad could try. He said that the drugs could slow down the cancer, or it might have no effect on it, or it might speed up its growth. I'm not sure how comforting that information was....but that is what we are considering.
From MD Anderson's standpoint, we are looking at 2 options: 1.) try the experimental drugs to see if they have any positive effect or 2.) do nothing for now (left untreated the doctor told us that we could expect Brad to live 6months-2years). It was upon hearing that news, that I really stopped listening to anything he had to say and knew from that second forward... our life would never be the same.
I am asking that through this uncertain, unclear, and absolutely unbelievable time in our lives that you give us strength, that you give us courage, that you give us a sense of peace, and that most of all you give us hope. As Brad & I struggle to find answers, may we find peace, courage, hope and strength in your steady and unwavering love. When everything else looks dark, help us to find the light in your love for us. Let your presence be seen in all those who touch our lives and touch the lives of our children. Lay your hands on our family and lift our heavy hearts. Help us to truly feel your presence.