Saturday, May 2, 2009

2 Months

I gave Zeke a haircut today and realized once I got started (and could hardly get the clippers through it) that it had been exactly 2 months since it was last cut. On March 2nd, the day Brad passed, Allison Garcia had come over to the house to cut his hair for me. It is hard to believe that it has been 2 months. But, in some ways it seems like such a long time has passed...I guess because so much has happened during that time.

David Smith, my preacher from the church I attended in high school asked me the other day how I was doing. He specifically asked about what the biggest blessings to me these days and what are the most trying?

My response was one of the biggest blessings recently have been my time "alone." The kids spent all of last week in Kerrville with the Bosse/Robertson clan and I was left at home all by myself...I was able to think, meditate, relax, sleep without interruption, sit, not talk, and think some more :) I am not someone that usually needs a lot of alone time, but over the last couple of years I have been so starved for it....I stayed very close to my house that week just enjoying the solitude and loving every minute of it!


Other blessings are my kids who are willing to tell me things/ remind me of things about their daddy without any hesitation. I love their open and telling hearts...they express things just as they see it...with beautiful innocence, unclouded by the world's position on death. It really is an amazing thing to witness. I do love to hear about what they are thinking...Zeke is so intuitive about so many things. Just tonight I was letting Zeke shower in my bathroom for the first time in quite a while. He was using all of our bath products that were set on the side of the tub. As he lathered up with soap he said, "and now I smell just like my daddy!" That made me smile because he did happen to pick a soap that I specifically used to bathe Brad with in the last few months. He did smell just like his daddy.

Another blessing that God has given us is the ability to be loved so openly by so many. Never in my lifetime have I ever had the opportunity to witness such love for one family. God has truly provided for our every need. My friends and family find ways to serve us again and again and I cannot tell you how wonderful it feels to accept those gifts. I continue to be consumed by love shown to us each and every day. I am so grateful that God used this circumstance in my life to show me the depth of that love through those that surround me.

And for the most trying, I believe in my particular case the thing that has been the hardest is not only losing my spouse & the husband of my kids, but losing my very best friend. On more difficult days, all I want to do is talk to him and hear his response. Brad had a gift of showing me how not to worry and how to keep many things in perspective. Sometimes I miss that perspective. He was a really dependable, loyal, loving friend and I really miss seeing that friend's face every day.

14 comments:

da momma said...

2 months closer to hugging him in heaven, sweet momma! I love yall!

pcb said...

Thank you for your honesty.

Cathy said...

Unfortunately, your situation is all too familiar to me and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But please know that you will get through...it won't always be easy, but you will get through. God bless you.

Camille, Blake and Pierce said...

You truly cease to amaze me... your spirit, faith and peace is incredible... your children will realize someday how blessed they are to have you as their mom...and many of us know how blessed we are to call you friend and sister in Christ. We love you.

Lisa said...

You are so honest and so real. I'll be thanking God for your blessings and praying for more.

amber dayton said...

I thought & prayed for you yesterday. Thanks for sharing so openly how you are doing - as always I see you focused on God's blessings which is such a testimony to all of us. Love the sweet picture of Brad's hand & the kids. Hugs friend!

Nellie said...

You are a remarkable woman! It was good to see you and the kids yesterday at Hank's b-day party and to be able to give you a good hug! I loved how Zeke wanted to be such a helper with the cake. They are both just adorable.

And, may I say "ditto" to the others on your honesty and openness. I hope it helps you as much as it helps us. :)

Love you!

Anonymous said...

Jenny,

You have such a precious family to watch grow and pray for. I am so glad to know you and to know what is going on in your lives so the prayers are more specific. I am also so happy to hear the things that our sweet, innocent children say to remind us of the good times/memories we have had so far. Maybe you can ask God to give Brad a message for you during one of your prayers. I don't know if our spirits on the other side hear us here or if it can work through God, but God is so BIG, so STRONG, and so MIGHTY that anything is possible.

Have a wonderful and very blessed week. ---Jennifer Gordon

amy said...

How beautifully put! You are such a strong woman whose faith has truly gotten you through this. There will be more tough days and moments...but isn't it a relief to know the hope and trust we have in our Lord will carry us through it!

I love reading your blog and thank you for sharing your story...

God Bless you always!

Angie Campbell said...

Praying for you all the time, and loving you always!

kj7 said...

I'm ALWAYS here for you!! Love you sweet girl.

Tom Martin said...

Jenny,
WOW! I love reading your blog! You've blessed my family's life in so many. I know that these hurdles are no fun 2 months - 1st anniversary to face. I believe with the help given from above and all everyone around you, you will continue to thrieve in your circumstances. God bless.

Rebecca said...

It is always amazing for me to read how well you put into words how you are feeling and experiencing everything. I am inspired to be more thankful for my family each and every day. We love you!

tamandscott said...

I loved your words, Jenny. What an incredible perspective you continue to bring! We are still constantly lifting you and the kiddos in prayer. I am so glad you had the opportunity for quietness. We love you!
Scott