I gave Zeke a haircut today and realized once I got started (and could hardly get the clippers through it) that it had been exactly 2 months since it was last cut. On March 2nd, the day Brad passed, Allison Garcia had come over to the house to cut his hair for me. It is hard to believe that it has been 2 months. But, in some ways it seems like such a long time has passed...I guess because so much has happened during that time.
David Smith, my preacher from the church I attended in high school asked me the other day how I was doing. He specifically asked about what the biggest blessings to me these days and what are the most trying?
My response was one of the biggest blessings recently have been my time "alone." The kids spent all of last week in Kerrville with the Bosse/Robertson clan and I was left at home all by myself...I was able to think, meditate, relax, sleep without interruption, sit, not talk, and think some more :) I am not someone that usually needs a lot of alone time, but over the last couple of years I have been so starved for it....I stayed very close to my house that week just enjoying the solitude and loving every minute of it!
Other blessings are my kids who are willing to tell me things/ remind me of things about their daddy without any hesitation. I love their open and telling hearts...they express things just as they see it...with beautiful innocence, unclouded by the world's position on death. It really is an amazing thing to witness. I do love to hear about what they are thinking...Zeke is so intuitive about so many things. Just tonight I was letting Zeke shower in my bathroom for the first time in quite a while. He was using all of our bath products that were set on the side of the tub. As he lathered up with soap he said, "and now I smell just like my daddy!" That made me smile because he did happen to pick a soap that I specifically used to bathe Brad with in the last few months. He did smell just like his daddy.
Another blessing that God has given us is the ability to be loved so openly by so many. Never in my lifetime have I ever had the opportunity to witness such love for one family. God has truly provided for our every need. My friends and family find ways to serve us again and again and I cannot tell you how wonderful it feels to accept those gifts. I continue to be consumed by love shown to us each and every day. I am so grateful that God used this circumstance in my life to show me the depth of that love through those that surround me.
And for the most trying, I believe in my particular case the thing that has been the hardest is not only losing my spouse & the husband of my kids, but losing my very best friend. On more difficult days, all I want to do is talk to him and hear his response. Brad had a gift of showing me how not to worry and how to keep many things in perspective. Sometimes I miss that perspective. He was a really dependable, loyal, loving friend and I really miss seeing that friend's face every day.