I have to admit that I have been avoiding my blog the last week or so. I'm not sure exactly what the underlying reason is, but I have. I guess my mind has been all over the place...so I haven't been able to focus on what to say or how to say it. Ok, so a small reason has been because of my schedule....I have been pretty busy...I have had quite a few birthday celebrations this past week. Brad has always poked fun at me for my ability to celebrate my birthday, not only on the 17th, but for the entire month of March. I know that in his eyes, this month is no exception :)
So, I will try to answer the question that seems to come up most frequently right now. How are we doing? How am I doing? I think, as a whole, we are doing as well as we can under these circumstances. Right now we are visiting Granbury with Sandra & David. In this new environment, Zeke has certainly been more anxious and VERY clingy to me. He is my little shadow & if I leave his side for a moment he is instantly calling for me. I actually expected this behavior to come immediately after Brad's crossing over, so for it to only appear now, in a different place, is a big blessing.
Little K is the same....just as crazy as ever. She is still asking, "where daddy?" and I am still struggling to find a way to tell her where he is. She is her brother's copycat...so right now if he is calling for me/wanting me to hold him...so is she.
As for myself, I miss my friend. The hardest part of this experience is that as I struggle, the one person on this earth that I reveal everything, is not here to hold and to pour my heart out to. Brad had an unbelievable way of showing me how to let go of my fears and to give it to God. I had such a calming influence on him and in my more difficult moments...he always had the same effect on me. On one of his last night's here, he was fast asleep in our bed and I was crying my eyes out all over him....literally all over him. The poor guy was sound asleep and I couldn't seem to pull myself together to keep from waking him up. He woke up for a moment, stroked my hair gently and told me everything was going to be alright. He then quickly directed me to have a glass of wine (his prescription for me anytime I couldn't sleep.) :)
The physical pain caused by the grief has also been surprising to me. No matter how much I keep moving forward and try to reassure myself, the grief pain is still there some days and cannot be ignored. I find this pain to be very similar to the emotional pain that Brad had the last few days. There was a point that he reached in which there was nothing I could do to distract or take away that pain...he just had to go through it. And that is where I am right now...I know that it will get better...but right now, I just have to move through the pain. Face it, feel it and move through it.
In these moments, I am especially thankful for my children. They have such a sweet innocence that keeps me focused on what is important and true. Zeke and I have always had a close connection and through this emotional struggle we have come to be even closer. He has an amazing way of verbalizing thoughts about his Daddy and these thoughts seem to be brought up at just the same moment I am thinking them too. Even though he is only five, he has such a tender heart and a sweet spirit...I am so blessed to have the opportunity to learn from him.
Tonight the kids and I were able to take some time to go down to the river and play in the water. They found such joy in throwing rocks, scooping mud, and splashing each other. There is something about nature that brings me right to God. I felt His presence and felt that I was also able to connect with Brad. I kept thinking about what Brad would have been doing if he were there with us....I'm sure that we would have had Bucky and Brad would have been throwing the ball for him, into the water so that Bucky could retrieve it. I'm sure that Bucky would have clumsily run over the children, knocking them completely into the water and I'm certain he would have shook water all over Brad. Brad would probably have shown Zeke how to skip rocks. I tried to show Zeke, but I must confess....I'm not a very skilled rock-skipper. In fact, during my lesson, Zeke held the record for most jumps by his rock with 4....my best was 2. I know, embarrassing.
In a quieter moment I was able to sit back, watch K & Zeke play and take in the beauty of my surroundings. The sky, the water, the cool evening air were all so calming. The simple pleasure of that moment gave me a sense of peace as if Brad were telling me again, everything is going to be alright.